April 30, 2011

Things are going well in my world.  Getting off this medicine has been something else, but now, 15 days later, I believe it is finally setting me free.  I feel 90%  better now.  My sinuses are also already doing better as well.
It is so interesting to me that something that can be so good/help in the beginning can do so much harm later.  Those anxiety meds were like a panacea for my anxiety in the beginning, but then you can't get off of them.  And it is so mental with insomnia and everything else.  I will still carry them with me, but will try not to take any, at least for a few months so my body does not want more.  I have a good friend who still carries around his meds and he has not had any for 3 years.  He said it is a crazy security blanket, but I guess that will probably be me.

I am going to a wedding today.  This is the last known one to me of people my age.  It is also a farce because the guy getting married pronounced about 3 years ago, drunk at our Christmas party, that he had always loved me.  How can you get married if you are gay or bisexual?  I guess people do it every day though.  Yikes.

Then tomorrow is my niece's birthday party.  She will be 8.  That is freaking hard to believe.  I cannot believe she will be 8 years old.  It seems like yesterday she was born.  I am in such a better place now!

This week was so hard with work.  I cannot wait until summer.  I am doing absolutely NOTHING this summer.  I just need to chill, hit the gym, and do some soul thinking.  I love having summers off.  What a recharging it can be.  I also will never have another summer like last one, so it will be a relief.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I did not write yesterday.  I had a weird day.  Not bad, but weird.  School was OK, but my sinuses were really bothering my and my Zyrtec does not seem to be working lately.  By the end of the day I had a headache that got really bad.  At about 7:30 last night I went to the urgent care clinic. Good thing I did because I have a sinus infection and also got some meds for my migraine.  So not a terrible night, but it was not super pleasant either. I am glad I went to the doctor because I usually wait until it is much worse and I need to stop that.  So hopefully this will not last very long.

I watched the Royal Wedding today since I am home.  It is actually very significant to me because when Prince Charles and Diana got married I was 10 years old and remember it vividly.  It is kind of hard to think that that was 30 years ago and now 30 years from now I will be 70.  Our lives are truly short.  We have to make them count.  And a lot of people might think it is ridiculous, but I thought it was cool, probably mostly because I felt 10 again.  I remember my whole family being enthralled by it and I was probably more enthralled by them being enthralled than the wedding.  Perhaps it was my first time witnessing people being enthralled?  LOL  That word is starting to look and sound weird.

So at least it is Friday and I have the weekend to relax. Cheers!  And here's to the infection and the headache going away.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

     Today has been SOOO much better than yesterday.  We did have a very stressful site visit today, but I got plenty of sleep and was very prepared.  It finally feels like the year is wrapping up.  I will NEVER be so thankful for a summer break like this one...so much has happened in one year.
     Something hilarious happened today.  I finished my second class and went to the restroom.  It looked like I had hair gel in. I realized that I did not wash my freaking hair. I took a 45 minute shower and did not wash my hair this morning? WTF?  =)  So I came home around noon and washed my hair and Mikey looked at me like I was REALLY nutty, and I just laughed.  I told a teacher at the end of the day and she said she noticed it but thought I slicked it back for the site visit.  How gross is that to have hair that greasy in 16 hours?  LOL
     The anxiety is better today but still there.  Way better than yesterday and the day before. This is 12 days without meds and it was only supposed to be in my system for 8.5 days or so.  I will not give in.  I have had my moments but I just calm myself down.  I will not be tired and chemically-induced anymore.  I don't need it.  I really think the majority of my panic stemmed from my mom's health and I am so much better now that I have had time to heal from her death. Time is the ultimate healer.

Tuesday, April 26th, 2011

     Gonna be a real challenge to do this during the week.  Yesterday was HORRIBLE with anxiety, but I took no meds.  Horrible----I guess it is finally out of my system so now I cannot have caffeine or ANYTHING.  This is going to be HARD but I will do it.
   School was exceptionally hard. What a hard year.  A 4 day vacation and felt like no vacation at all-----maybe I am ready to move on professionally. I feel like it.
   Other than that, OK.  I know I sound depressed but I am not.  I am just worn out from today.  Huge site visit tomorrow so I had to do 3 hours of work right when I got home and will wake up tomorrow AM to work until 7 when I leave for work.
  Bright spot--ate exceptionally healthily today.  Sorry, but all I can do for today....

April 25, 2011 Monday PM posting

     Well, I have had an interesting day.  I woke up and felt GREAT.  I then drank some coffee as I have been doing for about a year now (I only started drinking coffee about a year ago--I have never been able to handle the caffeine) and after only one cup it made me feel jittery....this leads me to conclude two things:  I think the medicine is totally out of my system and I guess I can't have coffee anymore.  I have not felt great the whole day, and I would definitely say I feel a little anxious.  It feels kind of like withdrawals I guess.  Why would I have them so late?  It is not bad enough to take any medicine for, but will be interesting to see how this develops over the next few days.
     I graded some papers this morning (which I despise--eats up SOOO much time) and then met a friend at a Caribbean-style restaurant.  It was kinda nice but not too veggie-friendly but they did have one item on the menu that turned out being really good...it was a veggie portobella mushroom sandwich with some other grilled veggies. It also came with a side of beefsteak tomatoes that had herbs and a nice vinaigrette.  It was a very satisfying meal.
     I then went over to Dillard's and bought a friend a wedding gift.  He is getting married this weekend and I believe he is the last friend that I have that will be married--it is weird to have all of your friends married, many with kids not so young anymore (6-10 years old).  
     I came home and felt kind of sketchy so I took a nap--ended up being very deep and had lots of dreams again.  There is definitely something up with all of this dreaming.  I also sweat a good bit while I was sleeping and it was cool in my room so something funky is definitely going on.
     After that I graded more and I believe I am done for the rest of my holiday day off. I have more stuff to do but I can do it tomorrow morning before school and during the regular work week.  We do not get another holiday until Memorial Day at the end of May so I need to enjoy the rest of this day off.
     I didn't go to the gym but I am OK with it since I have felt weird.  I don't need my first day back to be surreal....More tomorrow morning...signing off.

April 25, 2011 Monday after Easter

     Yesterday and this whole weekend have been amazing.  I have gotten so much rest and have really purified myself of these medications and just feel amazing.  Also yesterday was week 3 of no meat, which was a little hard because of Easter but I made it.  This week I have to start on eating more low-fat vegetarian, meaning I need to cut out the cheese as much.  I have leaned on it, but now it has got to go if I am to lose weight.
     I have a lot of stuff to do today, but that is good.  I am in the mood to be productive.  I have to go meet a friend for lunch, have to buy some pants and a gift for a wedding, organize my data notebook for school, grade some papers, and get ready for school. I also promised I would mail a friend a cd so I have to go to the post office, which I HATE.
     I have been having random, but AMAZING dreams lately.  I have read a lot that benzos suppress REM sleep and it must be true because the whole weekend my dreaming has been intense and comprises A LOT of my sleep.  I wake up feeling rested and I have not napped in a week. I think my body was telling me it was ready.  I am still shocked, though, how easily I was able to get off the Valium. I guess it is because I only took it for 9 or 10 months and I had the other drug for 2 weeks to mask any ill effects.  But today is day 10 of no Valium so it is 100% out of my system.  What an accomplishment.  I have had the monkey of these drugs on my back for a long time and now I feel free. The sky even looked bluer yesterday.
     I am ready to finish out the school year.  I think I will have a lot of fun and be SOOO appreciative of the time off.  I will do my final reflecting about my mom (even though that is a lifelong thing) and I will really, really get serious in that gym.  I am ready.  I have said that for a long time, but I really am, especially with these meds out of my system.  Gonna be a great day!  From now on I will probably do a summary-of-the-day blog at the end of the day to mark my accomplishments and note any standout moments of the day.

     MY VISION IS BACK.  I am reading and typing this with no glasses....definitely the medicine, which is SCARY if you think about it.

April 24, 2011--Easter 2011

     Today is very special for me.  I have never been an Easter person, but it was my mom's favorite holiday, and since it still has not been a year since she died, she is on my mind so the holiday has significance.  She took Easter very seriously religiously, but she never pushed her views on anyone.  I really liked my mom's religious views.  She was disgruntled with going to Church, but she was highly religious.  But she was also extremely open-minded, a trait that I did not know about whatsoever until we had "The Discussion". Ever since that day she never ceased to amaze me at just how liberal she was about so many things--she truly was a live-and-let-live type person.  So cheers to her on this day.
     Growing up, we did have fun Easters.  As a little kid I got AWESOME Easter baskets, but that didn't last very long.  We got Santa Claus until I was abnormally old, but the Easter Bunny and Tooth Fairy were dispelled early on.  =)
     One year my birthday was on Easter.  I need to look up a calendar and see the exact year since you can do that via the internet nowadays....hold on.....that is crazy how fast I found that.  It was 1983.  It was the year that "Preppy" dress was all the rage, and looking back it was truly ridiculous.  My mom got me a yellow Polo shirt and green Polo shorts and a green Polo shirt and yellow Polo shorts.  And yet she claimed she never "knew"?  Pu-lease, woman.   =)
      I loved to Easter egg hunt as a kid.  We were also highly odd about that.  My parents would hide the eggs for us maybe twice, but then my brother and I would do it all day.  We had a massive yard on the river when I was of Easter egg hunting-age, and the possibilities for hiding places were infinite.  We would do this ALL DAY (kooks) and by the end of the day the places the eggs would be were so impossibly hard to find that sometimes months later we would find a rotten egg in a tree nook 20 feet high somewhere, faded, and never found.  It was actually a lot of fun.
     Easter also usually meant going and visiting my mom's side of the family which I loved and hated.  My mom was from a very large, very Southern family.  The food was always amazing, but my grandparents house scared the hell out of me and I could never fall asleep there (Stacy--remember the "Walking Man" story??--It was at its height during this time)......but again, the food was always amazing but we would always get picked on as the "city kids", in a nice, but ribbing way.  Looking back that is so funny because it is like we were from thousands of miles away but my grandparents' house was only about 120 miles away.  But J-ville was considered "big city" back then.  Funny that it never was, and still is not compared to an even moderately-sized city today.
     All of the food was artery-clogging but delicious, but some of it I will never eat again because the folks who made it never used recipes and are no longer alive (like my mom)......one year was especially fun.  We had an Easter egg hunt and the prize egg was sitting on top of my grandfather's head on his hat.  It had silver tin foil around it (some "prize" egg, LOL) but it did get me 20 bucks, which was a lot of money for a kid back then in the early 80s......
     My baby brother also drowned right before Easter and my birthday was very close....let me look again....April 10, 1977 and he died April 2nd and my birthday is the third, so Easter ever after was always a bit sad for my family.  I did not understand this as a kid and hated that my brother died the day before my sixth birthday.  It made me sad at first but I was so young it later made me very pissed because I had "forgotten" since I was so young when it happened and yet it was still so fresh for my parents.  I never once had a birthday party.  This is why to this day birthdays are so important to me....
     Today I am not going to do much.  We are supposed to go to a fancy brunch at a restaurant but I don't think I am up for it...I would rather make breakfast here and hang out in bummy clothes.  Why?  Because we can......=)
     It is so nice to have tomorrow off from work.  Don't know why it happened this year but it did and I will savor the day. This has never happened in my 16 year career.
   Happy Easter!  =)

BTW, I just looked it up again and it appears I had an Easter birthday in 1988 when I was 17 and also one in 1994 when I was 23.  I was waaaaaay too out of it to remember those birthdays.  =)

April 23, 2011--Saturday

     Today is a very special day for me for many reasons.  First of all, I have a major accomplishment to share.
     Five years ago this summer I went to the doctor.  I was experiencing panic attacks, but at the time I did not know what they were.  I had been experiencing them since 2002 and had suffered.  I thought something was wrong with my heart, that all of my wildness when I was younger had damaged it, so more than once I went to the emergency room and had EKGs done.  They never found anything and told me I had a perfect heart.  It just did not make sense.
     I tried to think of the first real panic attack I had and it was in the summer of 2002.  I was with Mikey in Cape Cod, Massachusetts, in a very nice hotel overlooking the bay.  I called my mom, as I did every day of my life, and she was very negative. She said she was experiencing financial difficulties and when I got home "We were going broke."  Why she chose to say such a thing when I was on an amazing vacation was beyond me, and also it was not true.  We were stretched a bit financially but I had a job and 3 brothers and sisters with good jobs that could help her.  However, at the time, I made no connection.
   Mikey and I went by the pool and I started to feel very strange.  I did not know him well so I did not tell him about what my mom had said because I would have been embarrassed as hell.  So we sat by the pool and everything just got really surreal.  I felt an odd tug in my chest and started to hold my breath.  I was not hyperventilating, I was doing to opposite--I was breathing very shallowly, which in turn was making me breathe even weirder.  I told Mikey I didn't feel good and we went for a ride.  I was sweating, my heart was racing, and I told him I thought I was having a panic attack.  I saw a sign that the nearest hospital was 50 miles away.  I didn't know what to do so I told him to pull over and get me three beers.  I figured since alcohol was a depressant it would calm me down....now that I am remembering, that was in July and I actually had my first panic attack the month before when I smoked.  Beer worked then, so that is how I knew what to do......
   Anyway, he got me the three beers and I saw fear in his face--he knew I was not bluffing.  I SLAMMED the three beers and about 20 minutes later I started to calm down.
   Fast forward to June of 2007 or 2008.  It was the summer of the Skinny Puppy Mythrus tour and I was supposed to go to the show at New Orleans.  My mother got DEATHLY ill with pneumonia and I could not go.  She really was close to death, and I was having panic attack after panic attack and one day it just popped into my head that it was actually a panic attack.  I have a degree in counseling but it never occurred to me that I was actually having panic attacks......that is the scariest thing about them, you don't realize what they are so the doom and gloom makes them even worse.
     I found a doctor who was FANTASTIC.  We really looked at my family history because panic attacks and anxiety in general seem to have a really strong genetic link.  I realized my grandmother who passed away in 1994 had them as long as I knew her and we all just thought she was being "dramatic".  My sister had developed them when she was 36 (they often come about in your 30s) after my dad died and got on medication for them.  So we found a strong family history.
     My doctor prescribed me Paxil and Xanax to get them under control.  The effects were amazing.  Not only was the Xanax pleasurable, but the Paxil/Xanax combo DECIMATED my panic attacks, which I was now having about 5-7 times a week (MAJOR ONES).  But as with all medications, nothing stays the same......
    First was the Paxil.  It greatly affected me.  It affected my mood, my libido, and just made me feel like I was not human.  Literally NOTHING bothered me, which was awkward and not normal.  You could have told me 10 of my family members had died in a fire and I would have been unfazed.  That is not normal, of course.  So I decided I needed to get off the Paxil.  I guess I took it for a little more than 2 years, hard to remember now.  Boy, was THAT INSANE.  I had naps that I could not wake up from, and it was RIDICULOUS trying to get off of it.
     I changed to Lexapro, which is supposed to be amazing, but it was not for me.  I also needed my dosage of Xanax to increase because after a while of course you need more.  Well, the Lexapro did not work for me.  I had bad side effects, mainly very painful (not gross, just excruciating) gas.  It really ripped my stomach up and I could not even tolerate even a mild dose.  I got off of that before I got habituated to it.
     My doctor felt I was likely to have trouble with many other antidepressants (which can also work for anxiety, because I am not a depressive person), so he allowed me to just take the Xanax, which is unusual for a doctor to allow you to take a benzodiazapine without taking an antidepressant at the same time because they augment each other.
     This worked great until I needed to up my dose again, which I was unwilling to do.  I no longer derived pleasure from the drug at all, but it was wearing off faster and faster and I was starting to have panic attacks again.  We decided to taper me off of Xanax and it was, like Paxil, PURE HELL.  It was actually worse.
     Last year, in June of 2010, my doctor decided the only way to get me off of Xanax, since I was so sensitive to it, was to take Valium instead.  It has a long half life and he felt that would be better.  I tried it, and with its help, was able to get off of Xanax for good. Then, one week later, my mom passed away.  I did not think I could stay off of the Xanax, but I managed.
    Finally, fast forward to about 2 months ago.  I had then been on Valium for about 8 months or so.  I had noticed my vision getting blurrier and blurrier.  My doctor told me that I would have to start wearing glasses soon, but let me use readers--the kind you can buy at CVS.  Next thing I know I am using them ALL the time.  I tried to figure out what was going on. Diabetes crossed my mind, but my blood sugar was normal.  Then it hit me, luckily faster than the panic attacks......it was the Valium that was doing it.  It is a very rare side effect but it happens in about 1 out of 12 to 15 people.
     I went to my doctor on April 4th, the day after my 40th birthday, and told him that I could no longer take the Valium, and for that matter wanted to try to get off of medications in general.  I realized that many of my anxiety attacks were related to continual fear about my mom's health and financial situation, and this stressor, though her death was TERRIBLE, was gone now.  Also, I used to get bad panic attacks from hangovers but went 10 months last year without a drop and now only drink lightly to moderately if there is a special occasion and NEVER enough to have a hangover.
    My doctor suggested that I might not be able to get off of medications, but that maybe the problem was that Valium had a longer half life.  He prescribed me Klonopin, which has a long half life, but not as long as Valium, to transition me off of the Valium.
     I got the prescription filled on April 7th and started taking it.  The stuff was RIDICULOUS.  It was like taking Ecstasy or something.  Ridiculous.  I read about it online and the HORROR stories of people trying to get off of it.  I decided, "THIS HAS GOT TO STOP ONCE AND FOR ALL."
     I took it from April 7th until yesterday.  The last Valium I had was on Saturday, April 16th.  Klonopin takes 4 weeks to get habituated to it, and I only took it for 2 weeks.  It enabled me to get off the Valium which I had now been on for 10 months.
    In short, I AM FREEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!  Today is day number 8 without Valium and it has a half life of up to 100 hours, so at most it is in your system for 8.33 days.  GONE!  Klonopin has a half life of up to 35 hours, so in 3 days it is gone and today is day number 2 off of that and I can tell that I am not addicted to it.
     For the first time in YEARS I have broken this cycle.  It is amazing how drugs that can do so much good in the beginning can do you so much harm.  I will not take another one of any of them, and will calm myself down.  I called my doctor and he said to carry some Xanax around with me in case I have a break out panic attack, but I now know what they are so I will keep them with me but I am DONE.  I feel unbelievably unchained and free.  And how perfect for Easter weekend with no work again until Tuesday!  So this is very, very big for me.  Yay!!!!!!!
     Finally, a final note for the day.  I have realized that I have always been intrigued by certain public figures, such as Jim Morrison, Kurt Cobain, Layne Staley, Janis Joplin, River Phoenix, Michael Hutchence etc.  What do they have in common besides mostly being musicians or famous?
     Yes, they are all dead.  And they all struggled greatly in their personal lives...and they could not handle them which ultimately lead to their demise..what I am saying is I IDENTIFIED with them.  But now I realize I am NOT one of them.  I have found the inner strength to overcome and that has always been my mission...to overcome, to overcome......Well, for once I feel like I am winning.....I will not be like them, and I will not fear any longer.......I will overcome.  Heck, I already am.........



****  Side note......my vision has improved so far about 80%.....now I only need the readers to read in dim light.    =)  Maybe I will keep from real glasses for another couple of years.  I'm not THAT old, lol.*******

April 22, 2011

     Today is Good Friday.  I wish I could feel more religiously.  I do feel spiritual, but I guess the realities of the world and the crazy people of the world have given religion itself a bad spin for me.  But I do feel some sort of connection to a higher power.  As Simon Le Bon once put it, I guess I feel the same.  I am a "hopeful agnostic." That is about the best I can do at this point in my life.
     I am very excited to have a four day weekend and look forward to really taking advantage of it.  Tomorrow I will go to the gym for the first time in a very very long time.  I don't care if I just darken the door, I am going.
     I have also decided to add no drinking to one of my promises for my 40th year.  I loved going 10 months without it, and I think it will be the perfect goal to have in tandem with going lacto-ovo the whole year.  Speaking of, Sunday will be 3 weeks of that and it is going great.  I just need to ramp up my recipes now and eat less cheese and fat.
     I wrote a letter to a special someone and just mailed it at 7:21 this morning.  This is a letter that needed to be written 13 years ago but I finally got the courage to send it since they are in a safe place to receive it.  Very deep letter to the love of my life.  A love that could not and will not ever be, but needed to be sent for some sort of closure....but would I consider this person if they ever showed up on my doorstep?  Yes...so what does that say?
     So much is going on with me right now and I feel fantastic, like tons of changes are gurgling and taking place. I am enjoying this blog and am just going to freely share my feelings on here.....like an open journal.
     Had insomnia last night...not uncommon for me, but I think it is also because I feel such changes afoot.....butterflies, ya know.
   Right now I am listening to "Marooned" by Pink Floyd--one of my favorite songs of all time and a song that brings me back to 1994 and the Pink Floyd concert with that special someone.  Wow, the power of song to bring you back in space and time.  Not sure you can ever love a different person in the same way as the first....

April 21, 2011

Yay!  Last day of school for Easter Weekend.  It is not often that we get a Friday and a Monday off, so I am going to savor it...
   Saw "Rocky" for the first time last night, and though it is dated and has Sylvester Stallone in it, the message is quite good and inspirational.
   Looking forward to preparing some good veggie dishes for the weekend.  Might be heading to Orlando.  Two of my best friends are moving to Williamsburg, VA.  Husband got a good job so they are uprooting after their whole lives in Orlando and 17 years of Mikey's life.  He is quite sad and so am I.  I have known them for 12 years now.  Life sure is full of change and some of the changes feel so final and SAD....but there is always good to look forward to....

April 20th, 2011

Here I am, up early, facing the middle of the week.  Today is an "early release" day, so classes are shorter and then we have some professional development.

Waking up early this year has been my saving grace.  I cannot stand to be rushed for time and I cannot stand to be late.  Since my mom's death, the only way I could face work this year was to counter it by waking up really early and getting a lot done in the morning.  It has worked out really great for me, and I have come to love waking up early.  Usually calls for a nap later in the day.  =)

So today is day 17 of lacto-ovo and I feel great about it.  No problems whatsoever, and it amazes me that when I eat meat that I am such a carnivore.  It is so easy for me to not eat it at all but not to moderate (common life theme).

I think this is the anniversary of Columbine.  What a crazy, crazy event that was. I often wonder if society created those kids....that was a weird time, and times seem to be getting weirder, but we have to ward off that feeling of wanting to become cocooned.

Day 16.....

Yo out there,
So this is the start of day 16 of my epic journey to last a year.  The first goal I have in mind is to eat all veggie...I have done this before, but find it significant for this year of my life....I have gone 16 days so far and am doing lacto-ovo....still have not eaten low-fat, but that will come.
   Have been through A LOT in the past 12 months, and today holds a special, private significance for me.........see ya in a bit......